Ira from Kyiv: Part 1

Ira: So, a superstition which I’m not sure I will be able to translate into English exactly, but I will try. So, it started with the pilots. The pilots never tell something like “my last flight”. Because “last,” [останній, ostaniy] it seems like final. The last one, the very last one. So it’s a bad luck. It’s considered to be like totally inappropriate for a pilot to say “my last flight this, or my last flight that”. So they refer to it like the last in line, kрайній [krayniy].

Vic: Okay.

Ira: So pilots never use the last, останній, flight. You shouldn’t tell this way, it’s considered to be very bad luck. A lot of people, like very many people, many people who have nothing to do with pilots, or aviation, or whatever, they don’t like to use the word останній at all. They use kрайній. Not the last lesson, not the last drive, not the last holiday, not the last anything, but kрайній. So, the last in line, but not the last at all. This is this is very popular. You can ask anyone, many people will agree. Some people, some people tell that well, it’s just a superstition, it’s so stupid, and it’s so it’s grammatically incorrect. It’s grammatically incorrect because kрайній is only the last in line. It’s not- you cannot, they are not interchangeable. But people sort of ignore grammar in this case for the sake of peace of mind, because they follow this superstition. I just remember this.

Vic: So when I’ve asked people like “коли останній поїзд?” [“When is the last train?”] should I not say that? <laughs>

Ira: Well, you’re a foreigner, they will forgive you <laughs>.

Vic: Yeah, I guess my bad grammar, people figure out pretty quick that I don’t know <laughs>.

Ira: About the stories, I don’t even know. Really, like a few years ago there was much more to say because everything was new. The way we adapted, the way we adapted to the new way of life. Now, everything is pretty much settled. We are used to everything. I have a friend, a very close friend, he writes music. He wanted- he had this idea of writing a song about the night when there is a rocket attack, or shaheds attack, and you are waiting for it, and you are wondering whether or not the morning will come, for you personally. And how afraid you are. I write lyrics a little bit, so he asked whether I wanted to participate and to write a song with this idea. I said “I’m sorry but no, because this is not how I feel”. I’m not scared anymore. The psyche adapted so much, or maybe there are so many defence mechanisms at work that I don’t really feel the fear anymore.

I hear explosions very close, the building is shaking, my kid is near me, and of course as a mother I’m worried, but not so much anymore. It’s like my body doesn’t respond. My heart doesn’t beat faster. My palms don’t sweat. I’m calm. Here in my mind I understand that “yeah, that was pretty close. This is dangerous”. But the fear has gone. And this is maybe something worth writing about. The fact that it’s scary, that the fear is not there anymore. How crazy it is for a person not to be afraid, just, in really difficult and dangerous situations, just because we got used to it. This is our everyday reality. So now, you know, riding my scooter there’s sun, there’s music in my earplugs, and it seems like the war isn’t there. But of course we all know that the reason, and what cost we are paying every day.

Vic: Do you still go to the bathroom to take shelter when there’s explosions nearby?

Ira: No. When it’s really bad, my son and I go to the place near the elevators.

Vic: The corridor?

Ira: Near the elevators, you know… like landing! Landing. Yeah, because my apartment is an old one, and the project of the building is such that inside there’s not only no two dumb walls, which is a rule. We don’t even have one dumb wall. Wherever you are in the apartment there’s a window, or a balcony, or some. So there’s no dumb walls at all. So there’s nowhere to hide, and they say that bathroom is not the best place to hide because if there’s a hit and the water- what if what if it’s hot water? You can get burns. And what if what if the explosions is very tough, very intense, then the tiles may fall off. The tiles, the mirror, you can be injured by the cuts, you can have cuts from those pieces, sharp pieces. So, it’s not the best place to hide. It’s better to be somewhere in the corridor or better somewhere near the lift, near the elevator, because there are certainly some walls around you. But this is when it’s like really bad. But if there are just a few- some explosions, and you hear that it’s not like very close, we just go on sleeping.

Vic: Yeah, it annoys my boyfriend when he’s in Ukraine with me that I will try and sleep through explosions and stuff. He’ll wake me up and be like, “there’s explosions, we need to move” and I’m like “no, that wasn’t near”. <laughs>

Ira: Yeah, that was me <laughs>.

Vic: I’ve been surprised by how quiet Kyiv’s been the past few days since I got here.

Ira: But just before you came-

Vic: Yeah I heard there was a big attack.

Ira: There was a really big attack. I didn’t get up though, I was so tired, I was so sleepy. I heard very loud attacks, so it was somewhere nearby, but I was too tired to get up, so I just went on sleeping.

Vic: Yeah, I understand. So something that I was told is that runes, like, I guess Viking looking runes have become very popular with soldiers, and some of them wear like amulets with a rune like symbol on them. I noticed that you’re wearing a ring with runes on them.

Ira: Yeah, I wear a couple, and I have many. I like this symbolics but it’s not connected to anything except that I like history, I like that period and that area. Also one of my favourite music bands ever, it’s melodic death metal band from Sweden, Amon Amarth, and they are sort of Viking metal. So it’s not connected with anything except that. And also you, you may have noticed that I have skulls everywhere.

Vic: Yeah.

Ira: This is uh- I only started wearing them in the very recent few years. After the war has started. Now when I think of that, I guess that maybe this is also one of the ways- it’s not like really conscious, but maybe this is an unconscious way to come to terms with the fact that this is like everyday reality, memento mori all the time, you know?

Vic: Yes.

Ira: Our neighbours do not let us forget, but yeah. Sort of flirting with death, maybe, sort of. I like t-shirts with it, those symbols, and so on. Sort of getting used to it, for it not to, you know, make friends with it, if it sounds okay <laughs>. It wasn’t like, I didn’t- I hadn’t experimented with that before. But now I feel like, I really like it. It makes- I’m getting used to these symbols, and they don’t scare me anymore like they used to. Another crazy coping mechanism, probably.

Vic: Do you think other people have done the same? Like, do you now see more people like with skull T-shirts and kind of, I guess, gothic fashion sense?

Ira: I have nothing to compare with, because a few years ago I wasn’t much interested. Now I see them everywhere, everywhere. But this is because now my, my attention is selective. So, I pay close attention to them. I want to come close, I want to shake hands, you know, somehow have some connection. Before that I just didn’t pay much attention, so I don’t know whether or not it became more popular, and why.

Vic: You mentioned about the superstition about the use of language for when pilots are talking about like their last mission. Do you know of any other, I guess, changes in language that people make because of superstitions?

Ira: This is the only one that came to mind immediately. Others, hmm. I’m not sure, sorry. I didn’t do my homework <laughs>.

Vic: It’s one of them like questions where like, if you- if someone asks me directly I would go “uhhh, I don’t know” and then like an hour later I’ll be like-

Ira: Yes, yes! But if I remember something I’m sure to text you, and tell you everything about.

Vic: Thank you. Are you originally from Kyiv?

Ira: I consider myself a Kyiva. However, I was born of all places, in Moscow.

Vic: Oh, wow.

Ira: My father was a military officer in the Soviet Union army. So back then it was Soviet Union, and military officers get moved- what’s the term, placed, to different?

Vic: Yeah placed, or deployed.

Ira: Yeah, yeah. So my family travelled quite a lot during his service, and it’s just happened- they happened to live in Moscow in the time when I was due. I’ve never been to Moscow in, with- my family spent there like less than two years, and then they moved to far east of Russia. [Redacted] and [redacted], that place. Like on the border with China, far east of Russia. Yeah, and so I’ve never seen Moscow really. I spent my childhood in the far east of Russia, and then the Soviet Union collapsed, and my father asked his management to move him to Ukraine, because this is where my mother’s parents lived. They are gone by now, but back then they were still alive. So my mom is from Ukraine, Sumy region. She’s from there.

My family moved to Kyiv when I was 10, and we’ve lived here ever since. So I consider myself Ukrainian Kyivan because I don’t even remember much about the time spent in Russia. You would think like 10 years, it’s a grown-up child, but really I have some vague memories about school, kindergarten, but they are not consistent. So yeah, I consider myself Kyivan Ukrainian, I have a Ukrainian passport, I speak Ukrainian language as a first language.

Vic: Is there some stigma if people in Ukraine find out that you weren’t born in Ukraine?

Ira: It depends on people. It depends very much on people. I myself, if nobody asks, I will not bring this up <laughs>. Just in case. Whenever there’s a crossing of border, or whenever there’s a check of the documents, the military or the police have this double take on the first page of my passport, because it’s written I am born Moscow, Russian Federation. This is on the very first page of my passport right underneath my picture, my photo. Nothing to do with that. But we can do this, you know, modern ID card. It seems to me that it’s not mentioned there. So, I’m thinking of changing the old passport- I have the old style passport. Like, it’s like a book.

Vic: Oh, I think I’ve seen those, yeah. Is that the internal one?

Ira: Yeah, internal. But even on the international, I think, I think it’s still- let me check in Diia [app that holds ID and is used for a range of other purposes in Ukraine].

Vic: I think mine says country of birth. I think.

Ira: Well in Diia there’s not.

Vic: Do do they just kind of like go “whoa” or did they ever like question you when you’re trying to go for checkpoints because of it?

Ira: No, no, no. They just, they just look twice but then they check, you know, registration, the place of residence, and it’s in Kyiv since 1999.

Vic: Mmm, okay.

Ira: So obviously I’ve lived here for quite a long time, so then they don’t have questions. Maybe it would it would be different if I were a man, maybe there would be a little bit more questions or something. But like that they just understand that yeah, I could be born anywhere. But I’ve been registered in Kyiv since 1999.

Vic: Do you visit other cities around Ukraine much?

Ira: No, but this summer I went to Odesa for a holiday. You know, many people say that it’s not the time to relax, it’s not the time to have fun, it’s not the time for the holiday. Spend all money to the army, donate everything you’ve got. But- in a way I agree, but then I understand that this is- we all see that this is not a short-term thing. We are here not for a sprint, but for a marathon. To make sure that you survive to the end, you need to do something for yourself, not to go crazy. And I have a child, a little child, to care for. He needs me sane, and preferably happy <laughs>. So yeah, I went to holiday to Odesa. Those are crazy people. There are shaheds flying just above the beach, and people are just staying there looking admiring and taking photos <laughs>. Even this is too much for me <laughs>. Well the holiday season was just like any other holiday season. Like in Odesa near the seaside, discos, people with whole families on the beach relaxing.

Vic: I have a friend that lives in Odesa so I visited him there the summer before last, and yeah. Because I’m British we don’t swim in the sea, but we paddle. Like we roll our trousers up to our knees and we just walk through the sea, that’s just what we do. So I did that on the beach in Odesa.

Ira: But why is that? Why don’t you swim?

Vic: I don’t know! I think because English sea is so cold, none of us want to get cold by swimming in it, but we still want to go in the sea. So, we paddle.

Ira: <laughs> This is something new for me! How you are on the seaside and you do not swim, this is crazy!

Vic: It’s cold!

Ira: But it’s not like- it was warm, it was warm, the sea was warm and very clean. No jellyfish, crystal clear water. Yeah, that was a wonderful time. It kept me, you know- thoughts about it kept me going during this terrible winter. It has been terrible. It’s cold at home, it’s cold at work, it’s cold outside, it’s cold in transport, it’s cold everywhere.

Vic: I try and search for pictures of it but apparently paddle boarding is now super fashionable so Google’s just coming up with images of paddle boards.

Ira: Yes, it’s very fashionable now. During the season, Dnipro [river running through Kyiv] is all-

Vic: I’ve seen people, yes. In two days ago- actually I think it was yesterday morning I saw a guy still trying to ice fish, which seemed very brave-

Ira: Yes, and crazy, and irresponsible. Like why <laughs> for the sake of some hypothetical fish?

Vic: A couple of hundred meters away from him was a guy normal fishing, because there was so much melted that you could just normal fishing line.

Ira: Somebody wants more extreme <laughs> as if it’s not enough.

Vic: Yeah, I mean, ice fishing in the sun, in the warmth, maybe that’s… <shrugs>

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